Life often presents us with unsought challenges that almost always have a hidden possibility within them. This hidden possibility is the call that the crisis presents us with – a call to leave what is known and familiar and move toward the unknown and unfamiliar. By accepting that the crisis in front of us is about more than just surviving, we step into a journey that takes us through new … [Read more...]
The Cycle of Ambivalence
This post was originally posted on PartnerHope's blog Attachment ambivalence is the phenomenon of having two opposing safety imperatives fire inside of you at the same time in response to betrayal. One safety imperative tells you to move away from and disconnect from the source of your pain in order to stay safe. The other safety imperative tells you to move close and figure out how to reconnect … [Read more...]
MUSINGS ON THE SEX AFTER BETRAYAL INTENSIVE
In June we held the first Sex After Betrayal: Reclaiming Your Sexual Self therapy intensive. It was a transformative five days of learning, growing, stretching, hoping and risking. As we wrapped up our time together and I reflected on all that had happened, there were several things that struck me. Below are some of my musings as a result of spending time with the amazing group of women who … [Read more...]
The Cheater Before Discovery and The Cheater After Discovery: Two Different People
Today’s blog is written not just for you as a betrayed partner, but for your therapists, your pastors, your friends and family members, your 12-Step fellowship group members, and anyone else who is part of your support system as you seek healing. What I want to talk about is the difference between who your cheating partner is before the cheating is discovered and who he is after the cheating is … [Read more...]
Betrayal Requires Relational Recovery
If the significant wound of betrayal happens in relationship (and betrayal is always relational), then it makes sense that our healing and restoration must also happen in relationship. The impact of betrayal is always felt most profoundly in our sense of relational disconnection. We feel disconnected from ourselves and who we knew ourselves to be, from our significant other and who we thought he … [Read more...]
The Knowing And Not Knowing of Betrayal Blindness
Many betrayed partners come into therapy in a state of shock and disbelief about their partner’s extracurricular sexual behaviors. They sit on my couch and tell me they had no idea, not even an inkling, of what their significant other was doing. I listen to them, and I know that their shock and surprise about what they have discovered is real, and they truly did not know what was happening. But I … [Read more...]
Betrayal: It’s Not Your Fault
Most betrayed partners carry the burden of the same secret fear: that it is some lack in them that has caused their significant other to seek sexual experiences outside of the relationship. The fear goes something like this: If I were thinner, had bigger breasts, was taller, had tighter thighs, were younger, had a prettier face…then he would not be looking at pornography on the Internet. … [Read more...]
Understanding Boundaries
Most people know about boundaries and instinctively understand they are important. Betrayed partners are no exception. Often, they feel a keen need to set and maintain boundaries with their cheating partner after discovery. However, what a boundary actually is, how to set a boundary, and how to effectively maintain a boundary can be highly misunderstood or just downright mysterious. For betrayed … [Read more...]
Betrayal: A Journey of Self-Imposed Discovery
When I was in the initial shock of dealing with Betrayal Trauma, I barely recognized myself. The competent, funny, focused woman I knew was gone, and in her place was a shattered, anxious, broken stranger. This stranger cried all the time, raged like a maniac, was exhausted and depressed, couldn’t concentrate, and felt desperate. I looked in the mirror and thought, “What is happening to me? How … [Read more...]
Listen To Your Gut
For many betrayed partners, the adage about hindsight being 20/20 feels very true. They look back after discovering infidelity and see so clearly all the little signs and indications pointing toward their significant other’s betrayal. They remember their feelings of unease, discomfort, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, doubt, and confusion. Then they remember how they chose to ignore what their … [Read more...]