Healing Partner Betrayal Trauma

Partner betrayal trauma describes the negative relational, emotional, and sexual impacts experienced by an individual who discovers secret sexual behavior within their relationship that violates the relationship agreements.  This behavior can range from an emotional or physical affair to an extensive pattern of compulsive sexual behavior. The impacts create a profound loss of safety for the betrayed partner often resulting in the development of significant trauma symptoms.

Cheating is the breaking of sexual and emotional agreements within a relationship. The relationship may be monogamous, an open relationship, a polyamorous relationship, or some other configuration. Regardless, cheating is when the sexual and emotional boundaries around engaging with others are broken. Cheating is unethical non-monogamy.

When one partner breaks the sexual agreements and cheats, they are taking a power-over position within the relationship. As a result, they rob the other partner of consent. The cheating partner unilaterally and in secret changes the relationship dynamics. The betrayed partner then unknowingly continues to invest in a relationship that they did not agree to. They are no longer sharing power but are now living in a relationship that has been altered in a fundamental way without their knowledge or consent. It is this secret altering of the sexual agreements that makes betrayed partners feel dehumanized by the cheating as their relational rights are compromised.

The new Attachment-Focused Partner Betrayal Model™ is grounded in research exploring the emotional and behavioral patterns that emerge when we cope with the loss of safety and connection to our primary attachment figure. Without understanding this core issue – how a partner’s attachment system functions in the wake of sexual betrayal – we are missing a vital element in understanding why partners do the things they do and how to effectively treat them.